One week down...

We've been home for just over a week now. I have to be honest, it's been a really hard week. Much harder than I expected.

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We are extremely fortunate to have a friend who is an expert in what we are experiencing right now. On Monday she came to the house to talk to us about how we can best integrate Des into our family dynamic. The things that she told us were very helpful and we are heeding every word of her advice, but it was also a little disheartening. To sum it up: a lot of hard work for an indefinite amount of time...ugh. It could take the full first year that she's home before we start to feel like we are functioning normally again. That scares me a lot! We are advised to stay very low key for the next month or so...that means limited visitors and social functions and not letting other people hold Desi. This should help her see us as her primary care takers. Right now she could see anyone who is willing to meet her needs as another caretaker, and we have to overcome that and get her to rely on us as her mommy and daddy.

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We are finding that bringing home a child of Desi's age is pretty complex and probably the hardest age. She's old enough to know that big changes are happening to her and around her but not old enough to really grasp it or communicate her feelings. And she can't really understand us and the efforts we are making on her behalf. Even though she is nearly 2 years old, we have to treat her more like a newborn. Basically, we are starting from scratch with her. I had no idea how incredible hard it would be to do that for her. When she is throwing a tantrum, every parental bone in my body wants to teach her that tantrums are not appropriate. But I can't do that yet. She wouldn't accept it. So, we are having to rework our parenting style to suite her needs and it's no easy task.

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And then there is the night...oh my goodness. She may still be suffering from jet lag because she's waking up around midnight every night...that's 7am in Ethiopia. While we were in Ethiopia Desi slept through the night....not here. Des requires me to rock her to sleep in my arms and then I have to very very delicately put her down without waking her. When she wakes and realizes that I am not holding her, she cries. So around midnight she wakes, cries and I have to go rock her. This cycle continues throughout the night...like a new born baby. I'm a person who needs my sleep. My world is off balance when I don't get sleep. I'm a crab when I'm tired. Not a fun mommy! God, grant me patience and strength to get through the nights!

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And finally, there's Em. Poor thing. She is having a rough time. She, too, is in that complicated stage of life where she can perceive the change and she knows that she is uncomfortable with it, but lacks the communication skills to articulate how she feels. My heart breaks for her. To think that she is confused and hurt tears me up. She's very clingy and only wants me. Her emotions are on a hair trigger too. (It's obvious where she gets that.) She's jealous. She and Desi are competing for me and I do not like it. I've been laying down to sleep with her and telling her how much I love her. I hope she feels that. Please, God, don't let her feel rejected. Thankfully, Gam is going to spend some special time with her each week so that she can have some one-on-one attention. I'm so grateful for that!

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Okay, so that was a bit of a rant. I feel that I need balance the negativity of this post with some good solid positives! So here's where things are going the right direction:

• Des had her first visit to our pediatrician and she's pretty much healthy. Besides an ear infection and a case of ringworm on her scalp (gross!) she's doing good. At almost 20lbs., she's in the 3% for weight and 25% for height, so she's on the charts!
• I know that her bonds with Ryan and I are growing and she is becoming more comfortable. She's having fewer tantrums and most of the time I can sit down with her without her getting mad!
• A good sign that she's bonding is that she "checks in" with Ryan and I frequently. She's an affectionate girl and likes to be snuggled, so she often cruises over to one or the other of us for a few moments of love and then is back off to explore and play.
• She's letting Ryan do most of the "need meeting" now, besides the sleeping thing. He can feed her, change her diaper and soothe her when she's upset! Praise God!

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I also just have to say what an amazing blessing Ryan is to me. From the day we met Des and she wasn't very nice to him, he's been at my side supporting me. And now that she's comfortable with him, he gives me as much time as he can by playing and caring for her. He's doing most of the housework too! I haven't been myself for a few days and he has been very patient. The last few nights he's gotten up with me and Desi because he knows how hard the nights are for me. I love him and thank God for him....he's being a rock. I know I wouldn't get through this without him.